The 10 Stupidest Things I’ve Heard at the Theatre

Not sure if you read about this, but it will sort of make you lose your faith in humanity.

Somebody was at a performance of Hand to God, and they were on their phone. Already doing wrong in my book: once I hear music come on, phone goes off.

It seems as though it was probably running low on battery. So obviously you just switch it off, right?

Apparently not. This genius decided to get their charger, and plug it in to a socket. Fyi, that’s not included in your ticket. Using the theatre’s electricity. Don’t be a dick.

And just when you think they couldn’t be any more of an idiot.

They got onto the stage. YES, you heard me right. They got on the stage. Why?

To plug it into a socket onstage. Which was fake. It was just set dressing.


So in honour of stupidity, here are some of the stupidest things I’ve heard at the theatre.

10) ‘Les Miserables…? Will there be English subtitles?’

A man outside the Les Mis theatre. Met with the most ‘judging you’ look from his date.


9) ‘That play was quicker than I thought.’

Someone at the interval of Julius Caesar. After Caesar was assassinated. They didn’t come back.


8) ‘Do these stairs go up AND down?’

A member of the public faced with one flight of stairs. Which lead down to the main foyer. But also up. Because stairs do that. They lead up and down.


7) ‘I wonder if there are gun shots in this?’

Audience member at Assassins. A show about the successful and attempted assassinations of presidents.


6) ‘I thought David Tennant was in this…’ 

Person in the seat next to me during Tennant’s Hamlet run. He’s been on stage for 30 minutes, they just didn’t recognise him. Admittedly, this person in the seat next to me was with me. It was my Mum!


5) ‘So what is this? A pub?’

A tourist outside Shakespeare’s Globe.


4) ‘Can’t I go in and have a quick look at the theatre?’

Same tourist. During a performance.


3) ‘Well, you should have a viewing platform, so at least when there’s a show on, we can see the theatre.’

Same tourist, after being politely told no.


2) ‘At least they get a break now. They’ll have a different cast doing tonight’s performance, right?’

At a matinee show.


1) ‘Wait, I thought this was the one with Othello in…?!’

Person during performance of The Merchant of Venice. Othello is the Moor of Venice. Also, his play actually has his name in the title. Which is a bit of a hint!


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