An Ode to Southern…

As I’m writing this, I’m sat on the slowest train in the world back to the flat. Can you possibly guess which British train operator it is…


And since I didn’t have anything scheduled for Thursday’s blog, I thought I’d do something creative: a poem/rap thing. I also thought I’d do it to stop me from sitting on my phone using up my 4G!

As it tursn out, that didn’t work either, since I genuinely had to Google ‘What rhymes with ‘Balham’?’

So this Bohemian Rap-song-em is about my journey from Victoria. For every stop we went through, I wrote a verse in the interim. Some are short, some are long. Some make literally no sense.

(Word of warning: bear with…)

An Ode to Southern…

Slowly going nowhere,
Asking myself ‘Oh where-
fore, Claire, did I not come for a drink.
And it makes me start to think…

Battersea Park,
Oh what a lark we had in the park,
Kids laugh, dogs bark,
Until it got…daaaaAAARK!

Dark as we pull into the Clapham Junction,
Not being rude, but I’m making a presumption:
The train isn’t moving and I’m making this conjunction,
Prayin’ please don’t let this slow train malfunction.

Function, barely able to function, come on,
Got to stay awake, quit looking so solemn.
Put away Google maps, quit Tom Tom’n,
Pretty soon we’ll pull along into Wandsworth Common.

Common, isn’t it, why don’t you go and tell’em.
Kim, Karl, Larry, Hannah, hell why not Callum.
Southern is so slow, it’s a malem
Ipse, an action evil of itself, come on,
Because we’re only now pulling into bleeding, bloody Balham!

Balham, really, how long until
We get to Sydenham. I’m about to take a pill
To go to sleep, might as well nap and will,
Unless we arrive pretty soon at Streatham Hill.

‘Hill and wood’, oh that this train would
Stop taking the scenic route, that would be good.
But no, continuing to wan is my mood
As we’re only approaching West Norwood.

Norwood, still waiting outside Norwood,
Red signal do you want to switch to green or could
You be any less helpful in this situation, there is no doubt and no equivocation,
That had I gone for a drink and grabbed some food
I wouldnt still be stuck outside Norwood.

Norwood, oh good, looking out the window still
We’ve actually moved, not quite losing the will
To live any more, less time now to kill
As we slowly creep towards Gypsy hill.

‘Hill and dale’, I shouldn’t be so callous,
What I wouldn’t give to fall down a rabbit hole like Alice,
Wake up in some enchanted land, imbued with no malice,
Instead I’m pulling into Crystal Palace.

‘Palace’ and ‘splendour’ these things go in tandem,
And home is where the heart is, I have so many I can count them:
Home with my family, home with my friends.
Can’t wait to get there, when will this journey end?
Wait…I thought it would be forever, but here I am
Moments away from pulling into Sydenham!

Slowly went nowhere,
Now walking home where
I will have no care.
*Gets a text*
Guess who’s on the slow train now…Claire!


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